Letters of Love (Lessons in Love) Read online

  Mark

  X

  Looking at the letter made Alex suddenly feel nauseous. She moved it from her sight and doubled over, her forehead on her knees, waiting for the feeling to pass.

  As she sat there, she realized that she felt sick with guilt. Mark saw so much in Alex, saw her potential and the great things she could achieve. The fact that she’d been late to her first-ever class was now making her feel wretched.

  She thought also of her father and how he’d react if he’d known. He’d berate her for wasting such an opportunity and tell her to focus and get it together.

  As the sick feeling finally passed, Alex looked down at her desk, where her math assignment was waiting to be completed. Mark’s letter lay discarded on the floor.

  She wanted so much to sleep, to give her body a chance to rest and recover, but she knew she needed to work, needed to prove her worth. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was one in the afternoon. She had ample time to complete her assignment and rest before Ashley returned from her class.

  Grabbing a pen, Alex settled down to complete her first assignment.

  ****

  “Congratulations, girls.” Taylor Patterson smiled sweetly at the eight girls lined up before her. She was wearing a mint green and pink check dress, the colors of Kappa Pi.

  Behind her the rest of the sorority looked on, all of them wearing the exact same dress. Each girl looked immaculate, from her makeup to her hair, even down to her toenails, which would be painted in either the obligatory pink or green, or even a combination of both. Image was very important within Kappa Pi.

  “You have survived pledging and can now be welcomed into the Kappa Pi fold as sisters!” Taylor’s smiled broadened as she delivered the good news to the girls before her.

  Alex stood nervously next to Ashley. They were both wearing a plain green version of the checked dress that was the uniform of the initiation ceremony.

  For the past three months both Alex and Ashley had struggled to balance their heavy college workload with all the parties they wanted to attend and also their pledging duties. Not that the pledging part had been that time consuming. Mainly they were judged upon their grades. That, coupled with a number of occasions where they had to go and help at sorority events, was all it had taken for them to become fully fledged Kappa Pi’s. They could now remove their pledge pin and wear the necklace bearing the sorority’s Greek symbols, which they were now being presented with.

  “I’m so excited,” Ashley buzzed eagerly. She flashed Alex her perfect smile, pleased that they could share the experience together.

  Before they were given their necklaces, each girl had to take a vow pledging allegiance to the sorority. It was all a bit alien to Alex. It was an even more intense process than joining the cheerleading squad had been, and she’d thought that was bad enough.

  Between the vow and the whole pomp of the ceremony, it was clear that being a sister in the house was taken very seriously.

  “Welcome, sister.” It was the Kappa Pi president, Casey, who placed each precious necklace upon the new members of the sorority.

  “Our house is your house.” She smiled kindly at them, and Alex wondered if the moment was bittersweet for her, as they could only move into the house once all the seniors moved out at the end of the school year. For a while yet Ashley and Alex would remain in their dorm room, but they had already been told that they could continue to be roommates within the sorority house, which excited them both.

  Alex couldn’t wait to move in. The house was so lavish and pristine that it reminded her of her old home and made her feel even more connected with the girl she had once been. It was hard to believe, as she stood on the hardwood floor, a bright gold necklace belonging to an elitist group hanging from her neck, that back in Woodsdale she lived in a simple trailer.

  Once the formalities of the ceremony were over, the girls were allowed to disperse and chat among themselves while pink and green cocktails were served in martini glasses.

  “I’m so glad we both got in!” Ashley beamed, fiddling with her new necklace between her polished fingers. She’d opted for a pink shade to compliment her dress and maintain the theme of Kappa Pi.

  “Yeah, it’s so exciting,” Alex agreed, still glancing around the house in awe.

  “My mom and dad can’t wait to meet you over parents’ weekend.” Ashley giggled excitedly. Parents’ weekend was just a few weeks away and was an event run by the college to give anxious parents an opportunity to come and check on their offspring while not being overly intrusive. They were welcome guests that weekend rather than overbearing mothers and fathers.

  “Is your mom coming?” Ashley asked.

  “Probably not.” Alex sighed, knowing there was no probably about it. Despite the lavish life she was now embroiled in, circumstances hadn’t changed back home. Both her mom and Andy were still in the trailer, still struggling to make ends meet. Alex tried to push the thought to the back of her mind. Each time she thought of them there, she was overwhelmed with guilt.

  A part of her felt she should have stayed in Woodsdale, should have gotten a job and helped support her family. The only things that silenced such thoughts were the chaos and volume of the various campus parties that Alex and Ashley frequently attended.

  “Congratulations, girls.” Casey came over and smiled at the roommates. Alex took in her blonde hair, poker straight face, and green eye makeup—the exact same shade as the green in her dress. Next to her, Alex felt like a mess, her own hair in a messy bun, her makeup not matching, her nails still an electric blue from when she’d last painted them. She feared that she’d never truly fit into the mold of their world.

  “Thank you,” Alex and Ashley chimed in unison.

  “It’s a real privilege and honor to be a Kappa Pi,” Casey continued, her tone becoming less serious. “I know it’s fun to party, and as long as your grades are good, we will turn the other cheek. But don’t go getting a reputation, we won’t tolerate that here.”

  Then Casey smiled sweetly and left to congratulate the other new initiates.

  “A reputation!” Ashley gasped in her wake. “A reputation for what? Having fun!”

  “I don’t know,” Alex mused, pursing her lips. “I suppose we do go out a lot.” They partied at least four nights a week. Alex had acclimated her body to survive on barely any sleep and relied heavily on energy drinks and protein bars to get her through her classes. But they were only having fun, and surely there was nothing wrong with that? As long as it didn’t get out of hand and affect their studies.

  “She’s just uptight because she’s a senior,” Ashley said angrily. “We’ve got our college lives ahead of us, living in this beautiful house, and she’s going back to whatever shit hole she’s from.” Ashley suddenly remembered Alex’s own meagre existence back home and turned bright red.

  “I didn’t mean—” she quickly blurted, but Alex smiled reassuringly at her friend.

  “She’s bitter to be leaving. I would be too,” Alex admitted.

  “Yeah, shame we can’t stay in college forever!”

  “Hi, girls.” Taylor came over, clouded in a mist of vanilla scent, and smiled broadly at them both.

  “Hi, Taylor,” they chimed together.

  “Hope you enjoyed the ceremony. Kappa Pi is all about maintaining our traditions.”

  “It was very nice,” Alex offered kindly.

  “So, not long until you can move in! Of course, there’s just the small matter of your dues, and then you’re good to go.”

  “It’s all taken care of.” Ashley smiled.

  “Great!” Taylor seemed relieved by this and excused herself to go mingle with more of the girls.

  “What are dues?” Alex enquired as they stood nursing their cocktails, reluctant to drink them too quickly beneath the judgemental glare of the older members of the house.

  “Just house stuff.” Ashley shrugged.

  “What sort of stuff?” Alex pressed further, having never heard the
term before.

  “Like fees for living in the house.” Ashley sighed. She’d hoped she wouldn’t have to mention it to Alex but also didn’t want to keep the truth from her friend.

  “Fees?” Alex felt panicked by the word.

  “Alex, don’t worry, like I told Taylor, it’s all taken care of.”

  “So what, you paid for me?” Alex felt tears prick at her eyes, and her cheeks became hot.

  “Don’t get upset.”

  “I’m not upset. I…” Alex didn’t know what to say. She was upset. She was upset because she felt ashamed. She was ashamed that she needed someone’s charity to exist in this world. It made her feel like she didn’t belong, like she hadn’t earned any of it. Panicked, she put down her glass and fled the house.

  Ashley was in hot pursuit, calling after her.

  After running for about five minutes, Alex stopped, panting heavily, and waited for her friend to catch up with her.

  “There’s no need to be upset, Alex,” Ashley panted.

  “Ash, I just—I wanted to feel like I’d earned this, like I belong here!”

  “You do!”

  “No, I don’t.” Alex’s voice caught in her throat as she stifled a sob.

  “You belong here, Alex, just as much as anyone else does.” Ashley embraced her friend and held her tightly.

  “I don’t,” Alex cried into her friend’s shoulder. “I can’t afford to be here.”

  “But I can afford it for you,” Ashley told her soothingly. “And I want you here. I wouldn’t even want to be in the sorority if I couldn’t be in it with you.”

  “I don’t want to be your charity case.” Alex sniffed.

  “And you’re not.” Ashley placed her hands on Alex’s shoulders and held her friend at arm’s length, looking her square in the eye.

  “Alex, you got dealt a really, really shitty hand. If your dad was still around, don’t you think he’d do anything to make sure you got what you wanted? He’d have paid for you to live in the house in a heartbeat, and you know it.”

  “Yeah, but…”

  “But your dad got shot. Because life isn’t fair. So you haven’t got anyone on your side like that anymore, anyone giving you unconditional support. But I’m here, and I can help if you’ll let me. Don’t go on punishing yourself over your dad, Alex. It was no one’s fault, just a tragic twist of fate.”

  Alex cried harder, and Ashley pulled her back into her, holding her tightly as she shook with her sobs.

  “Thank you,” Alex breathed between her flurries of tears.

  “Anytime,” Ashley told her sincerely.

  ****

  “So you two are fully fledged Kappa Pi’s now?” Brad asked as he looked across the table at Ashley and Alex, casually holding a bottle of beer in his hand.

  “Yep, got the necklace to prove it!” Ashley said, proudly holding up the Greek letters she was now wearing.

  “Nice.” Brad nodded in approval.

  The student bar on campus was already packed full of students even though it was only nine in the evening. Ashley and Alex stood out in their matching dresses, but they’d decided against going home to change. They needed to get out to settle their frayed nerves.

  “Any parties on tonight?” Ashley asked bluntly, getting straight to the point.

  “And here I was thinking you sat down merely to enjoy my company,” Brad joked.

  Ashley and Brad were dating but in the loosest sense of the word. Neither was faithful to the other, yet they continued to hook up when it was convenient. When Alex asked Ashley how she felt about the setup, she said that it suited her and she didn’t have the time for a proper boyfriend. Moreover, if she did, she wouldn’t pick Brad. He had a serious case of roving-eye syndrome.

  “Obviously we’re mainly here for the chat.” Ashley laughed. “But we also need to party. We’ve had a heavy day.”

  “Tiring being a sorority girl, is it?” Brad teased.

  “We also have classes to attend, which are pretty intense,” Ashley defended herself. “Not that you’d understand, Mr. Social Science Major!” Ashley stuck her tongue out at Brad, and he smiled.

  “Okay, okay.” Brad’s smile evolved to a provocative half grin, suggesting that the information he was about to release came with the stipulation that Ashley would attend it with him as his date.

  “Party at Delta Gamma. Meant to be big. You in?”

  “Oh, we are so in,” Ashley confirmed.

  ****

  Alex woke up and groaned beneath the covers. She could already feel the burning presence of sunlight filling the room and didn’t want to remove the blanket shield currently protecting her from it.

  The party the previous night was a blur in her mind. She remembered dancing and drinking and laughing with Ashley and some of her other sorority sisters.

  Moving slightly, she sensed something strange and, looking down, realized that she was still wearing the skinny jeans and glittery tank top she’d gone out in. Although she wanted nothing more than to remain in bed until the hangover cobwebs fell off her, she knew she had to get up. Taking a deep breath, Alex threw back the covers and squinted in pain at the blast of glowing light that greeted her.

  She fumbled for a drink from the bottle of water beside her bed, her throat feeling unbearably sore. Across the room, Ashley was predictably still sleeping, although from the second pair of large hairy feet protruding from the bottom of the blanket, she wasn’t alone.

  Stretching, Alex stood and checked the time. It was ten in the morning. She looked back at her watch in disbelief. The digits looked back at her, blinking and unforgiving.

  “But my alarm.” Alex shook her head, unable to comprehend why she hadn’t woken up. She’d set her alarm for half-past eight, determined not to miss another class. Her attendance record had gotten dangerously low over the past few months, and it was imperative that she start attending classes more regularly.

  Checking her phone, Alex saw that she had indeed set her alarm and that it had gone off at the delegated time. She’d just slept through it.

  “Dammit,” Alex moaned as she searched the chaos of her dorm room for her class books and backpack.

  Ashley had many admirable qualities; she was kind, fun, loyal and patient, but she was not tidy. Almost all of her clothes were strewn across the floor. Alex had vowed to only clean up her own stuff, but she was starting to thaw on that decision, realizing that the only way her room would ever be clean again was if she took it upon herself to tidy up Ashley’s stuff along with her own. She supposed it was the least she could do for her friend, who was so kindly paying for them both to live in the sorority house the following year. Assuming Alex even passed freshman year, which at this rate looked unlikely.

  Without time to change or even tidy her hair, Alex knew she’d just have to endure the shameful looks she’d incur as she walked out wearing the same outfit she’d partied in the night before. She wouldn’t be the first student to do it, nor would she be the last. She considered pulling on a sweater, but the morning was already hot and heavy. She’d have to just go with the glittery ensemble and take any negative comments hurled her way.

  “I’m off.” She jiggled one of Ashley’s exposed feet to wake her slumbering friend.

  “Already?” Ashley groaned from within the comfort of her covers.

  “You should get up too if you don’t want to be late for class,” Alex warned.

  “Yes, Mom, I’ll be up shortly,” Ashley answered curtly. She wasn’t a morning person.

  “Bye, Brad,” Alex added to the presumed owner of the second pair of feet. Her eyes quickly widened when she spotted Ashley fervently shaking her head. She watched her embarrassed friend mouth the name ‘Jake.’

  “Sorry, Jake,” Alex sweetly corrected herself, though she was blushing profusely. “I’m so bad with names.”

  ****

  Alex was glad to get out of her room and avoid any further awkwardness. As she hurried along the corridor of her dorm, she noticed
girls stopping to glance at her dishevelled appearance. Alex hadn’t dared to even look into a mirror that morning, knowing she’d be too ashamed of what it revealed. She probably still had makeup strewn down her cheeks. It was not a good look.

  As Alex ran across the courtyard, she heard her phone start ringing in her backpack. She considered ignoring it but decided against it at the last second and answered an incoming call from her mother.

  “Hey, Mom,” Alex panted, tired from running to class.

  “Hey, sweetheart.” Jackie’s warm voice came filtering through the handset. “You’re not in class yet, are you?”

  “No, not yet. Going there now, got a few minutes to spare.” Alex slowed her pace so she could talk to her mother.

  “Well, I put a dollar’s worth of quarters into the payphone, so we should have ten minutes to talk,” Jackie informed her.

  “Great.” Alex forced a smile, the doors to her class loomed up before her, closed and foreboding.

  “How is everything going? I haven’t heard from you for a while.” Her mother sounded hurt by this, which made Alex feel guilty.

  “I’m just super busy, Mom. Classes are really intense.” In Alex’s defence, classes were intense, when she actually managed to attend them.

  “I’m so proud of you. You’re working so hard.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “And Andy is doing really well. He got straight As on his report card. Can you believe that? Maybe both of my children will go on to college!” Jackie said proudly.

  “Yeah, that’d be awesome.”

  “Are you eating right?”

  “Yes, Mom.”

  “Getting enough sleep?”

  “Yes, Mom.”

  “It’s just, you know how I worry.”

  “Yes, Mom. But you don’t need to worry, I’m fine.” Alex tried to reassure her mother.

  “Do you have enough money?” Jackie asked anxiously.

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine for money.” Alex was fortunate that her scholarship included accommodation and on-campus meals, and next year her sorority dues would be covering similar things. She had considered getting a part-time job just to earn some extra cash, but felt she currently didn’t have the time to spare.